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Monday, August 20, 2012

Not for the faint hearted

Since I was a little girl, I was the strong one.  No matter what was happening at home, I wouldn't discuss it with anyone and I would NEVER EVER cry. I learned early that showing emotions was a sign of weakness and that when people hurt you, you never show them how much it affects you.  Sad hey!  Sad that this became a tendency in my life and something I would carry on doing right up to the ripe old age I am right now.

I am always the organizer, the leader, the fixer, despite what I am feeling..I am always there to support my friends and my family. In fact, I love "being there".   The sad thing is that I am so good at keeping up appearances that they seldom or ever know when I am going through a "bad patch".  They think that I am strong enough to survive without help, a hug or an ear.


I have always prided myself on being strong and being able to "handle stress" well.  In fact, I go to great lengths to shield my loved ones from stressful situations.  I even shield my DH because of my belief that he doesn't "do stress" well.  That when he stresses he erupts and woe be to those who are in the blast zone:-)

I am now in the place where I don't want to be the strong one anymore.  

I want the freedom to (just now and then) fall apart.  
I want the assurance that when I do fall apart there will be someone to pick up the pieces.  
I am tired of pretending that all is well when it is not.
I am tired of hiding my feelings.
I am tired of smiling when I can't even face the world out there.
I am tired of saying yes...when it should be no.
Just for now I want to be the one being sheltered from the storm of life.
When I can't face the day, I want the freedom to curl up and hide under the covers.

Yup, I guess I am not in a good place...but it sure feels good to just express how I feel here.


xx

31 comments:

  1. I so completely get you.

    that is where I have been / am still for the last while.

    There are some mornings when I don't want to get out of bed i feel so crap.

    But i know one thing - you have an amazing DH and if there is one person, aside from God, who will be there to pick you up, it is him.

    Love you xxx

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  2. Feelings shared lightens the spirit. Here's a shoulder to lean on and lots of hugs from this side.
    Hugs
    Desire

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  3. I too know how you feel.....I could have written this as well....what is it with some of us women.....I knew during difficult times that I could not fall apart as my whole world would, so also kept going......I think we should all change and stop smiling for the world and allow them to see our struggles...but to be honest I don't think I can do that :(
    So get that you need a soft place to fall from time to time.
    Big hug x

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  4. Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It sounds like you are gaining personal growth. We all need to rewrite our roadmap every once in a while. Our body usually tells us when we need to do this. Stress always hurts. I wish you well on this journey. (Thank you for your lovely comment regarding my Gussy.)

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  5. a oh so YES to this post! "chin up" is just not always possible! thinking of you.xxx

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  6. I can identify as well. So often I feel like scaffolding - strong and practical but somewhat empty inside.

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  7. Oh Lynette, I'm so sorry things suck for you at the moment.

    I 150% agree with Shayne - aside from God, your hubby will be there (it's how God made them and he will have your back).

    WHat a beautifully written, authentic and honest post!

    PS if you want me to pray specifically, let me know how, otherwise general prayers coming your way :)

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  8. I totally, totally get what you are saying. Sending you great big hugs and hoping that you will take the time to deal with what you are going through. xx

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  9. Sending you a large hug! It is not easy to let go and just be, to feel the pain and the sadness without putting on the smile to the rest of the world, have faith that you can, that you can say no, that you can say yes to you, that your DH will be there to hold you and keep you safe while you cannot do it yourself. Have faith and know that you are loved however you may be feeling inside.

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  10. Hey Lynette...sorry to hear that you are not feeling so bright...but sooo glad to hear that you are not bottling things up! You are allowed to feel crap every now and then...!! You don't need permission and you are allowed to be just you!!!
    Take your moment and move on when you feel it's time to do so!
    You're in my prayers and thoughts!
    Denise x

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  11. Dearest Lynetee,
    You my friend are so much like me, this is a good thing, right!!

    I'm so sorry your going thru a hard time, please please allow yourself to grieve and NOT BE STRONG!! Lean on your friends and your amazing family, your hubby is there for you and will help you this I'm sure!! Hold those sweet babies and smile and cuddle. Do whatever YOU NEED RIGHT NOW and ONLY FOR YOU!!!
    I'm glad your sharing this and it will help you on your road to asking for help and not being strong all the time.

    You are truly a wonderful and sweet, generous woman, no doubt about it. Thank you for always making me want to be better.

    LOVE, HUGS, PRAYERS ARE BEING SENT YOUR WAY, wish I could be there for you!!

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  12. I have always known that we were Kindred Spirits! I hear you loud and clear sweet sister. I am learning that these times press me in a little Closer to the Great I AM. And a good cry does our souls good...sure wish we were a little closer..I think a cup of coffee and good old fellowship would do our souls well. ((hugs)) sweet friend...bathing you in prayer!

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  13. I know what you are saying Lynette. It did surprise my though how my DH can really care for me and make me feel better if I would just allow him to know how I feel. We are so busy sheltering our loved ones from any pain that we overload ourselves and eventually its just not possible to carry that load alone. I pray that you will be able to let go of all the stress. Lots of love to you my friend. xx

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  14. I hear you Lynette... I am really sorry you are having such a hard time right now!! You are an amazing woman and I will be praying for you... it's hard for us that have always be the 'go to' girl and then one that everyone relies on...the one that always says yes... big {{{{hugs}}}} to you Lynette.....

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  15. Lynette, I hope you can find a balance that keeps you from feeling so overwhelmed!! It is impossible to bear your own burdens and the burdens of others and sometimes we have to let go, even though it's the hardest thing to do. Sending prayers your way for God to comfort you and give you peace!!

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  16. Awww.... sorry to hear that, big hugs......
    And I really wish that you feel better soon. You know what, we all have those days, I am not exceptional, there were times I just wish I could just vanish, I guess we just have to learn to trust him and depend on him.
    Take care and you will be on my mind.....

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  17. It is up to you! I hope you can throw of this burden you have taken upon yourself!
    You are already in a good place by admitting it!

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  18. Now that your kids are grown u hopefully you will get to do just that! Hope you feel better soon!! I am sure that everyone will be happy to give you a little break if they know how you are feeling so don't be shy to tell them...

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  19. Hi Lynette,
    You have such a beautiful way of saying things.
    It's hard to break the expectation others have of you....believe in yourself, take a day at a time, and try and find some time out for yourself.

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  20. Expressing what you feel is not only necessary but it benefits those reading. I am reaching out today to you Lynette.
    e.

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  21. I think we all can feel that way some times... you have put your feelings down so well. xo

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  22. Sending hugs.

    and I am sure your family will suprise you. Maybe this is just the opportunity they need to be able to show you how capable they are of taking care of you for a change?

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  23. Hang in there, sweet friend. I wish I was there to give you a hug...maybe fold some laundry and make you a cup of tea.
    I hope that you give yourself permission to curl up in that blanket and rest for awhile.
    Sending comforting thoughts your way...
    xoxo

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  24. Ai vriendin, ek dink dis 'n ma - siekte daai! Ons voel maar almal so soms, en op ons ouderdom dink ek dis hoog tyd om te se, genoeg is nou genoeg en om soms te se nee, as ons nie wil nie. Tyd om jouself toestemming te gee om ooki so nou en dan net tot stilstand te kom en na jouself te kyk sonder die gtroot vyand, skuldgevoel, wat oor ons skouers loer.
    Stuur vir jou baie liefde en drukkies. Wens ek was nader, dan het ek jou genooi vir koek en tee en kon ons lekker kuier.

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  25. I hope that you feel better soon. Sending you hugs.

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  26. I know this might not be a popular view but - maybe at last, you are exactly where you need to be.

    Right now you NEED your Saviour instead of trying to BE the one trying to do the saving for all those hurting ones around you.

    I believe you are poised for a breakthrough in your realtionship with the Lord that will leave you breathless with gratitude for the trial you are going through.

    Lets revisit this in about 6 months - see how it looks to you then.

    In the meantime, its only in our weakness that His strength is allowed to show forth (my version) :-)
    I feel for you, really.
    I know its hard.
    But it will be SO worth it.
    XX

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  27. You are so special and I think you can give yourself permission to let everyone carry themselves for a while and take care of you.

    The best part is that you have a shelter from this storm in life and wings that cover and protect you ... you are His precious creation and He will take care of you.

    Hugs sweet precious lady

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  28. Hi vriendin!
    jy mag maar op krul en wegkruip. ek het lankal opgehou voorgee ek het genoeg van alles wanneer ek sukkel, ophou voorgee als is reg wanneer dit nie is nie. mense is so bang vir die waarheid hoor van hulle weet nie hoe om te reageer nie. maar dis "leberating" om daii las nie vir jouself te hou nie. as mense dit nie kan hanteer nie kan hulle jou ook nie bystaan nie!val maar...daars genoeg mense wat jou sal help opstaan en God is groot!
    baie liefde ek dink aan jou (julle)
    tomorrow is another day! xx

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  29. Oh Lynette I so understand! I just went through some of this on last Friday and it was the first time in years I just let it go. SO HARD!! I can relate and am glad for you to be able to let it go with words on the blog. That alone has to be a lift off your shoulders and so nice to have so many that love you to help pick you up! Big hugs!!! :)

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  30. I am the one the holds it together as well. If you were closer I would just give you a big giant hug.

    I am so glad you have all of us so that you can express yourself however you like.

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  31. Oh Lynette! This is so me totally. I had a friend of mine simply tell me then don't be strong Elizabeth. The concept eluted me because I am always strong.. However, in that simple wording I realize I am not. When I am weak, He is strong. My God is mighty to stand for us.
    e.

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