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Monday, February 13, 2012

Blog your heart - February 2012


I am not going to make this post about a million and one things...I am just going to share from my heart.  I tend to be "all right" most of the time...or I wear a pretty good mask most of the time and pretend all is right in my little world.  I hate complaining whiners...so I prefer not to be one either. This year kicked off pretty well and I started with a "Scrapbook Life Journal class"  that is being hosted by Stephanie Ackerman.  This online class is actually getting me to face certain things in my life and at the same time investigate and play with new forms of art. (some of which I will be sharing with you later this week).

The January theme was being "HONEST" with yourself.  Easy?  NO!!!  Not easy.  Not if you tend to be a people pleaser, a fixer of relationships and goodness knows what else.  Not if you have to be honest... that many of these things are just not working...and never will.  It is never easy to change...sometimes change takes us kicking and screaming towards where we don't want to be.  I had to look at myself, admit many things about myself that I don't like and I have to work VERY hard in laying it down. I posted about my chronic neck and shoulder issues HERE last year.  The result was that I was eventually sent to a neurosurgeon and he referred me to a neurologist.  A few days before my birthday last month I got the results of the MRI and EMG and instead of just being HONEST with myself, I just buried it and went on my merry way.

February's theme is SURRENDERING your heart.  This includes: 
  • Let go of our need to figure everything out.
  • Let go of our need to control.
  • Let go of our need to be right.
  • Go with the flow.
  • Detach and observe.
  • Accept rather than resist.
  • Take life and ourselves less seriously.
  • Trust - ourselves and life. Have faith.
  • Open and love and laugh more.
Flip, just like that... it slowly started dawning on me that just maybe I am a tad frustrated  and angry with the Lord right now.  The neurologist and neurosurgeon advised me that although I have a slightly bulging disc in my neck, I also have myofascial pain syndrome (not fibromyalgia).  Apparently people who have this (me) are more prone to inflammation of the connective tissue that covers the muscles. The neurosurgeon does not want to operate on the bulging disc because he cannot guarantee a better, pain free outcome.  So I am back to square one...sleeping with a soft neck brace and pain management.  

Here is the things I know for sure.
I believe that the Lord is ALL LOVING and loves me with a LOVE that is too big for me to understand
I also know that the Lord is ALL POWERFUL. 
I know that the Lord is ALL KNOWING.  
I know that He can just speak the word and the pain will be gone.
I know that for some reason this isn't happening.
I know that I am not putting myself under condemnation and believing that I am doing something wrong.
I know that He is the completed Work and nothing I can do, can add to that.

I have to move on and know that although He isn't answering my prayer regarding healing, He still loves me.  I  must remember that the plans He has for me is to prosper me and not to harm me. (whether in this life or life everlasting.)  I know that I have seen Him do miracles in the lives of my family.  Now I have to trust Him that He knows best and that He will be the one that will carry me through this too.  In this too I have to SURRENDER to His will for my life.

xx

14 comments:

  1. I so, so, so get you. I also had to deal with a lot of anger with God with regards to my infertility.

    But you know what? He has Big Shoulders and we can wrestle with Him :)

    I love that you're getting honest with yourself and admitting you're angry and frustrated.

    And I'm so sorry you have all that pain - I can't imagine since I'm a big wuss :)

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  2. Sjoe, tough times you've been through, I have to say that I had some issues with God as well regarding the death of my oldest daughter. I have to hold on to the fact that he knows better and he loves me more and that what I know and what I feel do not have to agree.

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  3. With all you have gone through, and that you can still be a believer is a testament to others. I enjoyed reading this,Lynette, and am proud of you for your faith and conviction. You are an example to follow. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  4. So sorry about the medical news you received. It must be so frustrating to be back at the beginning and still in so much pain. It must be very hard. You seem to be getting so much out of your art journaling class. I'm glad you are enjoying it.

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  5. This is a very open journal, straight from your heart ... which sometimes can leave one vulnerable, but it sure must also have a healing power in itself. Thanks for being such an inspiration.
    Hugs
    Desire

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  6. I really hoped that you could find some answers about your neck. Lotsnofmlove and Ingetbwhat you are saying. I have asked so many times about L, and all that goes with it. And many many more.

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  7. Sorry to hear about you "pain"! Maybe you have to go through this journey first?

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  8. Sounds like a great course! I am like you and just keep soldiering on!! I have chronic inflammatory pain too and live on Genpayne (the generic of Myprodol) which I find helps a lot. Also a lot of fruit and Dr Auer's base powder or similar helps to balance the acid/alkali ratio that I have discovered (no help from the doc) relieves the inflamation - you should try it...

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  9. I am so sorry about the diagnosis you got ... I hope that He shows you the path that He wants you to take for your pain management. I was born with a nerve tumor in the palm of my right hand. I had a biopsy at age 2. The tumor moved to my right wrist when I was 8 and has made its home there ever since. I have had 8 surgeries, with each surgeon telling me they are the 'one' that will get it out of me. Hasn't happened yet. I still have it, and because it is a nerve tumor (long word for the actual tumor, but as many years as I have had it, I still can't spell it! lol!) and all the surgeries, I have lost feeling in my first two fingers and my thumb. So all my typing on that hand is with my ring finger. I used to question Him on why I had this tumor, because it is in pain a lot, and I have to avoid anyone touching it etc etc etc, and then will all the failed surgeries, I questioned Him more.... but about 9 years ago, I realized His answer was there all the time. I was for some reason meant to have this tumor, and it is with me for life. period. His answer was there the whole time, it just took stubborn me along time to hear Him. I hope everything gets better for you soon my friend, I know being in pain on a daily basis is not an answer any of us want. {{{hugs}}}

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  10. now that is a very therapeutic theme - on surrending our heart . I pray that that is one step in the right direction for you too , my dear friend and that it will help you with the nerves(?)problem.

    ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

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  11. Just keep hanging in there ... He knows your pain, fear and frustration and He can take it. An enlightening learning for me was that He understands when we are angry and mad and He does allow it - to a point. I think it also helps us grow as people. Wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hug you.
    :-)

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  12. When you write from your heart it causes others to reflect within their own heart. Surrendering is something I truly believe that the Lord calls us to do, daily. Every second sometimes. Your words, even through your pain Lynette were a breath of fresh air! I will be praying for you to cling to the Lord's cloak for he will heal you!
    love,
    e.

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  13. Hi Lynette. This was a vey touching post. It is wonderful that you know that God is faithful. We live in a God-forsaken world, and we are promised suffering in this life. The promise of what lies ahead, though, makes this suffering seem like a walk in the park! Hold fast to that promise!

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  14. I can hear your pain and frustration, and I sincerely wish that the medical issue will be solved someday, have faith and big hugs......

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