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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Shades of blue

It has been creeping up on me these past weeks.
I am not in a good place.
I came back from our vacation with the knowledge that I have had enough of sharing my space.  I love order in my home...everything in it's place. My home has always been my sanctuary...now I want to run away.  For the past six months my formal lounge, garage and our lapa have been turned into storage.  Everybody doesn't feel the same about being neat and orderly. No privacy.  It is driving me around the bend.

With the knowledge that I have had enough came intolerance and impatience.  Broken sleep and unrelenting pain in my neck and shoulders have probably added to this.  It has chipped away at me and has turned me into somebody I don't want to be...somebody I don't like.  It feels as if all joy has been squeezed out of me.  I know that joy and happiness is a choice....but I don't want to choose.  I know that I have a lot to be thankful for...but I just don't care.  Pathetic!

Today I wanted to see how their house was progressing.  I got back into the car with a heavy heart...there is still SO MUCH work.  I felt despair rising up in me and felt the urge to cry..I used all my strength to push it back down, to where it belongs.  When DH got into the car he picked up on my mood and he asked me to tell him what is wrong. I tried to remain in control...it came out jumbled, I am unhappy, frustrated and I think I am depressed.

I waited, expecting him to tell me to "get a grip".  To tell me that Christians don't feel this way.  It did not come.  Instead he took my hand and told me how much he loved me.  What can he do to make "it" better?  My perfect composure crumbled.


22 comments:

  1. I've said to you before that I take my hat off to you for giving up your home to your children for so long.

    I can understand exactly how you are feeling and am surprised it has taken this long.

    I have no doubt that your husband will ensure that what needs to happen will sooner rather than later.

    Love you x

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  2. First, your husband is a gem, Lynette!

    I'm going to pray for you (by the way, we had AWESOME church today - I LOVED every minute - and it was Jerome Liberty from PE) but on a practical note, can they not move their stuff into storage so at least your house feels light and airy again, even if you have extra people around? I'm exactly like you and that Motherstyles book I keep raving about said my J (the part that craves order) needs to have it at least in some ways.

    Since then, I'm unapologetic about needing things in order. The babies can trash their room (not cupboards or drawers :)) and the sunroom; the rest of the house is mine and must be in order LOL

    XXX

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  3. Oh Lynette...sending love and hugs.

    You have such an amazing husband! I agree with Marcia, maybe by moving the stuff out to storage might help a little.

    I remember when I stayed with my folks for a month, it was just me, and no stuff (we were busy moving back to Jhb from CT) and even that got too much at the end...for me and my folks.

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  4. Okay...that comment was from me...Hayley xxxx

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  5. So sorry you are going through this... I feel your pain and wish I could help lift it away! I am an 'order' person too... I have let a few friends stay with me from time to time to help them through a rough time... and even though I knew I was helping them.. it about drove me nuts having 'extra' things in my home that didn't belong to me... so I get it... {{{hugs}}}

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  6. Your husband is just wonderful.
    I can imagine how all that clutter is draining you. I think Marcia's idea of putting some stuff into storage is a good one. You will feel better once your living space is more "you".
    *hugs*

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  7. So sorry that you are going through a tough time. Your husband is wonderful! :) I would feel exactly the same if I was in your boat. I think it is hard because it isn't like we don't totally love our family but, it is hard to all be together in one space for such an extended period of time. I like order in my home. It throws off my mind and stresses me if things are too off. If there is a mess, I want it to be mine and I'll take care of it as I see fit. Maybe they could find a small apartment but for sure things need to go into storage. All this stuff cluttering a home would drive anyone crazy. I am sure they would understand and be grateful for all of the help you and your husband have already given. I hope something changes to make this right. We all need our homes to be a soft place to fall. :)

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  8. So sorry Lynette. I don't think you should be expected to do it - even by yourself - I wouldn't - and I adore my kids - I would tell them very nicely that, much as you love them, you need your space & you're sure they do too & that they need to find a place to rent asap...it's not fair on you & not necessary.

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  9. Shucks, sorry that you're having a torrid time of it. I love having family visit but also need my space back after a little while and you have had so much family staying back to back.

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  10. Ek voel vir jou want ek voel presies dieselfde oor ons huis, ek kan nie eers uit die kamer in die oggend loop voordat die bed opgemaak is nie. Sterkte daar.

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  11. Ai Lynette, I feel for you. So much. And you hubby is just amazing!

    What about getting their stuff in storage for the moment and insisting they take over Lucas at night- that way at least some of it is resolved.

    Love and light girl!

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  12. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I need my own space and I am not even an orderly person. I am glad your husband understood, he might be feeling something similar.

    Hugs to you.

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  13. allie says:

    Dear Lynette!
    You try so hard to "be there" for your family - and really go beyond the extra mile. They are so blessed to have you and your wonderful man.

    Can I just express a personal opinion here?
    I'm not so sure I buy this "choosing your joy" etc.
    I've seen people push down their real feelings, trying SO hard to feel the right things -
    To me, that gives rise to an element of unreality - a kind of denial.
    Emotions are there for a reason.
    And denial can be very unhealthy.

    Acknowledgement of how one feels can lead to a constructive way forward - as is happening with the two of you now.
    I'm really glad your "dam wall broke" - I think things will get better now. Maybe even your physical pains and the depressed feelings will subside . . .

    I sure hope so sweetie!

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  14. i hope by now you are feeling a little bittie better:)
    i also think that there is nothing wrong about the way you feel,i really hope that you will have your home back really soon,but in the meantime at least your husband is there for you;)

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  15. I'm a lot like you when it comes to my own space Lynette. Had to share my home with people before and its not easy. I'm so happy for you that you have your hubby's support. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

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  16. Sorry to hear that Lynette, I don't know what I would do if I am in your position, probably just break down and cry, I can feel your frustration, hugs to you, and so glad that your husband is there for you....

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  17. oh my ! chills run down my spine ! Thank God you have the BEST hubby that you do , hun ! It's perfectly ok ! whatever you are feeling , grrll ! At least you are NOT in denial ! There will come a time for you to "move on" so the speak ! At your own time , hun ! But don't take too long either . I believe the ANOINTING breaks the yoke of bondages . I know some folks will advise becoming an "altar calljunkie" in times like this - I hope you know what I mean . I trust that God is always prompting you through the Holy Spirit and pray that you will hear & listen through all the creative ways there are ! ;) You ARE in Christ ! Keep Going ! Don't Quit ! You are not the only one going thru' things !You are NOT alone ! Our God is Faithful !!!

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  18. i love your banner! BEAUTIFUL! May the Lord continue to bless you and your family!

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  19. and Im left in tears after reading this.
    Big Cyber hug my friend...you are so real, I can so relate to you...never trying to show the world you are on top of all things all the time...I love you for being so real, thank you.

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  20. aai Lynette :(
    Your hubby is awesome...... you 2 are made for each other. but now your feelings have been voiced, something can be done. Hope you get your sanctuary back soon x

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  21. Everyone feels down now and then, especially when circumstances our out of our control. You are so blessed to have such a wonderful partner in life.

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  22. I am with Shayne on this.

    I trust that by now some sort of resolution has been arranged and that you are feeling more positive?

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