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Monday, July 4, 2011

Things of the heart

This is a post I have been sitting on for some time.  Writing and deleting....the words just don't want to flow.  I had to search my heart and make peace with issues that I thought had been dealt with a long time ago.

My time with Bianca was necessary... but not easy.  The cold in Cape Town and the stress had an affect on my body that I have not felt for years.  When we first started out at the Mission, I woke up one morning with an extremely painful throat and an inability to swallow.  After a gastroscopy and a barium swallow I was diagnosed with having Cricopharyngeal Spasm.....a big word hey!

  Symptoms of a Cricopharyngeal Spasm
  • Lump in the throat sensation
  • Feels like a golf ball, tennis ball ... is stuck in my throat
  • Feels like I am being strangled
  • My throat feels swollen
  • The symptoms can be mimicked by pushing on the cartilage in the neck just below the Adams apple
  • The lump comes and goes depending on the day
  • Symptoms are usually best in the AM and worse later in the day
  • Stress aggravates the symptoms
  • Saliva is difficult to swallow yet food is easy to swallow
  • Eating, in fact, often makes the tightness go away for a time
  • The symptoms are similar to getting choked up at a wedding or a funeral
Amazing what stress can do to you!

Anyhow...I had all those same symptoms again when I got back from Cape Town....not a good feeling!

Back to my visit with Bianca.

On our first day together I asked her the question.  "Have you ever thought about the decision you made a year ago when you ran away?  Have you regretted it".
Her answer"  "I don't allow myself to think about it."

That is when I knew that there would be a lot left unsaid during my visit.  Do you have any idea how strained things can get when you have to dance around so many issues?  When you know that you have to listen and guard your heart...and never, ever say anything that could be seen as judging...or criticism....or finger pointing?  A path so strewn with hazards.

She lives in Rondebosch East with the boyfriend.  He appears to be decent enough.  His parents drink heavily and the police are often called out by the neighbours when things get too rowdy.  His brother and the brother's wife also live there and the brother openly smokes pot.  My question:  "How are you able to live like that?".  Her answer:  "Mom, you get used to it".  That nearly drove me to tears...I don't want her to "get used to it."  If she does...she will see it as a normal way of life.

I am not very good at "shallow" talk....I want to get to the things in life that really matter.  So we did a lot of things that did not require too much talk.  I wanted to show her that I love her unconditionally, I did not want to nag, or finger point or  blame.  I wanted grace to flow from me.  Any idea how difficult that is?  I thought that in the work we do...we have learned to extend grace...and then when you are faced with happenings in your life...you fail miserably.  You have to be so careful to guard your heart but not let your heart become calloused.

This brings me to another issue I had to deal with.   Kobus Jr being back with his ex-wife Lache.  I was so upset about this...I was upset that things didn't work out between him and Felecia.  I was worried that the whole cycle of verbal abuse would start up again...that Kobus' personality would be reduced to what it had been before...that he would again become withdrawn and depressed.   I had my own expectations, things could not just continue as if nothing happened.  We would have to talk about the past!  That was...until I saw the pain in my son's eyes and realised how much I am hurting him because I don't want to just extend grace.  Sjoe...the things we do in the name of love.   So the decision is made...we are extending grace, but we will speak out if we see things starting to go wrong.  Our son has given us permission to speak up when we see them go back to their old ways.

So, now you know why I had been so quiet.  Lots of introspection going on here.

xx   



14 comments:

  1. Lynette, no wonder you have that spasm in your throat!
    Your children always stay your children, and although we have to let go, it is the most painful thing to see them getting hurt!
    Thinking of you!
    *Hugs* and prayers!

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  2. Dink so baie aan jou die laaste tyd en nou weet ek hoekom. Die Vader wou hê ek moet meer vir jou bid vriendin. Mag Hy jou dra deur hierdie moeilike tys. Ek het 'n wonderlike vriendin wat altyd sê moederskap is die een beroep waarvoor sy geen opleiding gekry het nie en dit wys. Ons lag baie daaroor, maar dis 'n lag met 'n traan, want elkeen van ons wat moeders is, weet dis baie waar. Hoe wens ek nie soms dat my kinders die wêreld ingekom het met 'n handleiding nie.
    Baie sterkte vir jou en almal in jou familie en jy en Bianca is nooit verder as 'n gebed van my gedagtes nie.

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  3. o Lynette !

    Yes it is not surprising with the Cricopharyngeal Spasm given what you go through. Your heart is so big & generous ,towards your children !!! I too pray for the grace of our Lord to abound in you and lots of wisdom for the day to day of these things !

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  4. Oh my friend, I can imagine the stress. Know that you are the best mom they both can have and am doing the best you can.

    I waas wondering if Kobus went back to Lache. I can imagine it must be stressful, but just maybe, they can make it work. Are they getting councilling?

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  5. I am so glad that I was able to see you just after your weekend with Bianca. I am so thankful that I was there for you to talk to and to just be able to be, without skirting any issues.

    The things we do for love are not always the right things or the easy things, but the necessary ones.

    I think that in both cases you are being the best mother you can be to both your children and they love you dearly for being there for them, even tho B won't easily admit it.

    Love you xx

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  6. You are incredible & your heart must get hurt often because its a loving caring one. Lots of prayers & hugs.

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  7. I'm filled with tears reading this entry...I KNOW, I KNOW, YES I KNOW...and feel your emotions as I have felt them so many times myself.

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  8. Oh Lynette.... one thing YOU do do is love unconditionally - and with such grace. My heart aches for you. Please look after yourself - your health is just as important.
    With regards to B - I pray and live in hope that she will see the way.
    With regards to Kobus Jr ... I really hpe him and his ex-wife can find a new path together... but I fear it will slip into the same old... i myself had a relationship that we tried at again and again... and it always ended up the same, despite all best intentins that it wouldn't. A leopard just doesn't change its spots :(
    Strongs to you my friend... i hope we get meet soon x

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  9. Lynette:)Ek glo en vertrou dat alles op die einde sal uitwerk, vir jou seun en jou dogter, die feit dat jou seun dit aanvaar dat julle as ouers mag praat sou julle voel dis nodig, is wonderlik, ek hoop nie sy speel met sy hart nie. En Bianca, nee sy moenie gewoond raak aan hierdie omstandighede nie!!! Die feit dat sy die werk gekry het, sê dat ander ook die beter in haar sien en sy is instaat tot so veel meer en beter!!! Sterkte vir jou en Jou gesondheid is belangrik, wees sterk en ek sal vir jou BID:)xxx

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  10. Oh Lynette, the fact that you don't talk shallow is what I love about you :)

    I gathered from what was unsaid in your post that things with B were strained. It's terrible not clearing the air and skirting around issues. I think you were wise though to just extend that love.

    And I also hope things work out with K and L - who knows? maybe something has changed?

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  11. Hi Lynette,
    I don't know what to say. I wasn't going to comment but I wanted you to know that I have visited and read your post. Hang in there, Lynette. You are doing SO WELL. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are an incredible lady who I admire so much xx

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  12. I really appreciate getting to read this open, honest blog of yours. It is REAL life. It helps me gain new perspectives as a parent. I admire your desire to get to the bottom of things. . . I tend to let them go, resolving nothing.
    We are supposed to try to follow the path of our Savior . . . and that is just what you are doing when you extend grace. You are doing the best you can and HE loves you for it.

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  13. How did i miss this post my friend??? I am so sorry - i am just reading it now!

    I had EXACTLY the same thing you describe with the throat tightening in 2006...a helluva thing. I thought I had a tumour in my throat! Was very scary. I hope you are much better now, stress can play havoc with our bodies.

    I now understand why Lache is in your family picture on your blog !! I was mystified - ai, such a journey you are on - i do hope things work out for them.

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