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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Here and Now

That is no Joke
Outside my window:-  Sunny, windy about 18 degrees Celcuis.

Thankful for:- A 10 day holiday starting tomorrow...yes...WE ARE LEAVING ON A JET PLANE...to Cape Town tomorrow morning.


Wearing:- Jeans, red jersey and boots.


Noticing that:-  Other than a nagging back ache....the upside is that I am feeling relatively peaceful.


Reading:- Kay Arthur's - Israel my Beloved...yes still...can't seem to concentrate long enough to finish it, maybe during our break.


Thinking about:- Resting...I feel old, tired and decrepit.
 
Pondering:- Where has this year gone to?
 
Around the house:- Quiet...the way I like it.
 
From the kitchen:- The smell of a leg of lamb roasting...the children will all be coming for a "boerekos" supper tonight.
 
Loving right now:-  My new Volvo C30 that DH surprised me with on Saturday.  I now officially don't need to drive a people carrier anymore;-D

Stunning hey!
 
Creating:-  I started a mini album for Bianca for her 21st but somehow the inspiration for completing it had disappeared. I am using the Pink Paislee Bayberry Cottage and a 6x12 artisan mini album for this project.  I will complete it after our holiday and post it here.


 
Planning:- Lovely things to do while in Cape Town...like hanging around Allie's deck for coffee and meeting as many of my Cape Town blog buddies as possible....and resting....and sleeping and recovering from all the trauma that this year had brought.  The best part is being with my favorite person (besides DH that is) my youngest sister, Ansie...yay!!!!
 
Shooting:-  Nothing...but am planning to do a lot of that while in Cape Town.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Letting go...

Since Bianca left I sent her an sms every few days...on Friday I sent her one again.  "Hi Bokkie, only one more day and you will be 21, what are you planning for your big day?  Please let me know where you are so that your dad and I can find some peace in knowing that you are safe."

She replied that she was okay, with Marc (but only since Thursday) and his grandmother and that Marc needs his computer that was still on at our home, when would it suit us to pick it up.  I sent a sms back saying that they could come around on Saturday and collect her gift at the same time.  She has not been with Marc all the time, he told us that she was in Plettenberg Bay and he bought a bus ticket for her to come back to PE.  We still don't know what she is planning to do, or where she is planning to live.  Marc will be leaving to go back to Johannesburg on Thursday.  He admitted to us that he is deeply concerned about her and that she is not prepared to listen to his advise.

Then DH and I started praying for wisdom and calm so that we will not alienate her even more by the way we react to her when she walks through that door.  On Saturday morning we resolved not to ask questions, not to show how this is affecting us emotionally and that we will not accuse or point fingers...we will just extend grace and show our love for her.  A policy was taken out for her when she was a baby and was due to be paid out at the beginning of the year, we felt strongly that although we will no longer support her financially that this money is due to her and that we will have it released into her account this week.  She is planning to continue her studies and with good budgeting the money should last until she completes her course at the end of the year and finds employment.

Receiving her into the house as a guest felt weird, we congratulated her, hugged and kissed and she acted as if it is quite normal to come for a visit.  No regrets, no remorse, no emotion.  They stayed for coffee and in this time we told her that we release her, letting her go to go and live her life.  We assured her that this will always be her home and to stay in touch.

In the past years we have repeatedly encouraged her to find a casual job for extra pocket money and to gain some experience of life...she was never interested.  Now things are different, she has an interview for a casual job at GM this afternoon.  The editor of GM's publications is my cousin Denise, and there is a pretty good chance that she will get a casual job there.  Now the question is how she will get there, will get to the college etc.  DH and I have made our peace, she is considered an adult, she now has to make her own arrangements and decisions.

Letting go is not easy.  Bianca was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2005 and we have always been very protective. Her life was easy, we gave her everything that she could possibly want....she lived a very sheltered life.  She did not leave in a "nice" way...but we now feel that she has officially moved out and we are at peace.  She believes that this is freedom, but we know that she will only be free once she has come out of the darkness into the light...and that is what we will continue to pray over her life.

Thank you to YOU my special friends...for being there, encouraging and upholding us in prayer.  I will continue to post on this blog and will keep you updated on the deep issues of my heart.

xx

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My baby is 21!

Bianca turned 21 years on Saturday 26 June.  A bittersweet day on which we had to accept that she is now grown up...and release her to live her life.
 
My beautiful daughter was born on 26 June 1989.  Not flesh of my flesh...but part of my heart forever.
The first time we saw her was when she was six months old and it was love at first sight.
In October 1990 she became part of our family.
Always smiling...always happy.
Very much daddy's little princess.
She always did things her way;-D
She coaxed these cat to our home and we had all our days getting them back to their owners.
With her Big Brothers.
Four year old flower girl at Ansie's wedding.
Graduating from Pre-School
With her greatest loves...Tinkie and Crissy.
Best Cousins...Bianca with Stephanie.
Always warm and hugable.
Wynand and Bianca in 2004
Our beautiful daughter on the day of her matric dance.
Always the reluctant model.
With Leane in 2008
 With a white lion cub at the Seaview game park.
With Marc, her first serious relationship...in 2009
With best friend Deonella.
At Eerste Rivier in November last year.

My darling girl...you will never know just how much of my heart you have captured over the years. The past few years have been difficult for both of us, times where we did not seem to agree on anything. I pray and trust that you will dream...and that you will attain your dream.  We will always be here for you.

xx


Friday, June 25, 2010

Thoughts

I find it so difficult to put what I am feeling into words, so please bear with me okay?

Today it is 10 days since Bianca left.  I am no longer falling apart every few minutes and I am feeling stronger but we all react in such different ways.  It feels as if a cloak of sadness is around my shoulders and I just can't shake it off.  DH is reacting differently, and I worry about him.  He has become quiet and withdrawn and he is pretending that she has just gone away for a holiday.  Just thinking of this...gives me leaky seams. I personally don't know a single person that had a child just move out...

These days going to work has become an escape.  Concentrating on other peoples problems are forcing me not to concentrate on my own all the time.  But then we come home...I still can't bear walking into her empty room...and sleep does not come easy.

What we do know is that she is still active on Facebook...she has deleted all the family and anybody that would tell me what she is writing...but it gives me a sense of peace to know that she can contact me if she needs to.  I also had to make a decision to accept that she is safe...if she wasn't she would have come home.

Tomorrow is her 21st birthday and my heart aches when I think that I will not be able to surprise her with her gift and a cup of coffee...my heart aches when I think that we will not be able to celebrate it as a family.  I started making her a beautiful album for her birthday...I can't bear to touch it at the moment.  Maybe this weekend I will complete it...maybe looking at some of the silly, crazy, happy pics will make me feel less of a failure...because that is what I feel...although I say that I know it is not my fault...I still find myself questioning whether I could, somehow, have prevented this. 

We bought her a laptop for her birthday...and I am wondering how we are going to get it to her...what she will be doing tomorrow...if she misses us...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Weekend photo post

This weekend Lukas turned 2.  He is currently crazy about farm animals and Nadia had this cake baked for him...don't you think it is just beautiful.
Just look at all the detail.
The weather is still chilly so we set up for the party under the lapa.
Happy birthday to you big boy.
I love the effect of this under exposed pic.
Little Dewan had a ball.
...and so did Leane.
There was more than enough to keep the little ones busy.
Playing peek-a-boo;-D
***************************************************************
Just a few random pics....
...to prove that when you are little you are willing but not able...and when you grow up you are able but not willing;-D
...showing Lukas' amazing climbing abilities....
Already spying on the neighbours.
Brotherly love...Christian and Lukas.

This is what I find the hardest...continuing with life as usual when all I want to do is go and crawl under the covers and hide from the world.  I am amazed at how life just carries on regardless of whether you feel that it has come to an end.  We just continue smiling through the heartache...I get up in the morning and paint a smile on my face...reminds me of this poem by Betty B. Youngs:
The Paintbrush

I keep my paintbrush with me,
wherever I may go
in case I need to cover up
so the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me;
afraid of what you'll do;
you just might laugh , or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you....
I'd like to remove my paintcoats,
to show you the real, true me,
but I want you to try and understand
I need you to like what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes
I'll strip off my coats real slow,
please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.
Now my paintcoats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold.
If you still love me with all you see
you'r my friend as pure as gold.
I need to save my paintbrush though,
and hold it in my hand;
I need to keep it handy......
someone might not understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend;
and thanks for loving me true;
but please let me keep my paintbrush,
until I love me too.
xxx

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Prodigal Daughter

Little Lukas was dedicated in church this morning and to honour fathers on Fathers Day the pastor preached out of Luke 15...the prodigal son.  So there I was..."snot en trane"(crying) the whole service. A few things in the sermon caught my attention.
  •  The son left without the blessing of his family...in the Jewish culture that is tantamount to cutting off the person that leaves.
  • The son wanted to lead a lifestyle that was not in keeping with his roots.
  • The father did not go looking for the son.
  • It took a pigsty for the son to come to his senses.
  • He repented stating that he sinned against God and against his father.
  • The father made a statement....my son was dead and he is alive again.
  • The father must have prayed for his son and stood looking for when he will come back...because he saw him coming from afar.
  • The son had to come back on his own, he was not brought back.

    The pastor said today that if a son/daughter should run away, the parents should not continue to finance that son/daughter as it licenses their rebellion.  That you will make it too easy for them and they need to face difficulty in order to come to repentance and mend their ways.  What do you think?  Do we continue to pay her pocket money into her account...or do we stop?

    Saturday, June 19, 2010

    Public blog

    This blog will remain open and I will continue to post challenges and photos of the happenings in my life as well as scrapbook projects here.  I have however started a private blog for matters that I am not comfortable to discuss on a public blog.

    When the bottom of your life falls out

    I have kept this close to my heart now and decided to share this with you because I needed to get it out and also to make you aware of that which is going on around you....this is happening to us, in a house where we serve our Lord Jesus Christ and live our lives for Him and Him alone.

    Two weeks ago today...it felt as if our lives were completely overturned...but that was two weeks ago.  Since then we have learned a pain that I cannot put into words.

    Two weeks ago we found out that for the past 5 years our daughter, Bianca, lived a double life.  I ask myself:
    • How blind were we not to have seen this?
    • Where did we manage to mess up so badly?
    • Why did the Holy Spirit not expose this?
    • Why? Why? Why?
    On that Saturday night we walked into our lounge and did not recognise our own daughter...it was her body, but I can't explain to you what her face looked like.  My initial thought was that she was drunk, but the young man with whom she had gone out were quick to point out that she had only two drinks.  Then my thought was that her drink might have been spiked and I resolved to buy a multi-test so that I could test her for drugs.

    The next day our son told us that Bianca acted very strange and that at times it seemed as if some invisible force was pushing her around...at a stage she stormed out of the house with a pot of salt.  We sent Bianca on an errand and started searching her room for clues.  We found salt strewn on her windowsill and the entrance to her bedroom.  Our son googled this and found that the Wiccans use this for protection against demons.  We found some disturbing articles in her room and when she returned I confronted her with:  "It is time to tell the truth, are you into Wicca?"  Her answer was a simple YES!  Five years ago she and a few friends were bored and inquisitive and late at night while we were sleeping they got together in our garden with an ouija board and they called up spirits..things went horribly wrong when one of the girls freaked out and broke the circle.  After this she was pulled further and further into the dark side. When she broke down and cried she told us how scared she was and that the demons were trying to kill her.  She brought out a whole lot of jewelery, books and music cd's and we made a fire and burnt it. The next day she made an appointment for counseling and deliverance.

    Her appointment was for Thursday the 17th June.  On Wednesday morning we woke up and when I passed her room I found it stripped of all her belongings. Even her bedding, extra bedding and ornaments were gone.  She had disappeared into the night and we still have no idea where she could be.  Wednesday and Thursday passed in a daze for me, and I have cried so many tears that just when I think there could not be any moisture left...I have another total meltdown.  I know that it was her decision to walk out the door, but that does not make it less painful for us who stayed behind.  My heart has broken into a million little pieces and I have no way of putting it together again.

    In the next few days I will tell you more. For now I am holding onto this promise of the Lord:

    Isa 54:11  "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, Behold, I will set your stones in antimony, And your foundations I will lay in sapphires.
    Isa 54:12  "Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, And your gates of crystal, And your entire wall of precious stones.
    Isa 54:13  "All your sons will be taught of the LORD; And the well-being of your sons will be great.
    Isa 54:14  "In righteousness you will be established; You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; And from terror, for it will not come near you.


    In know that the Lord is El Roi - the God that sees - He can see her where she is right now.  Please pray that no harm will come to her and that somehow the Lord will open her eyes and ears and that she will come home.

    Wednesday, June 16, 2010

    They say...

    ...that which does not kill you makes you stronger.  If that is true, I will soon be super woman!

    I want to share with you what is going on in my life right now...but will have to go private for that...so please leave your e-mail address under the comments.

    Monday, June 14, 2010

    Ramble on.... (12 on 12th)

    I know it is a bit late for my 12 photo's on the 12th.  (a new photo challenge inspired by Marcelle).  But here goes anyway.

    Despite hitting a low place last weekend we decided to push through and organise a surprise 50th birthday party for a dear friend and cell group member.  Amazing how you find strength to do these things when you are emotionally spent...maybe it is a good thing because that way you are able to divert your attention to other things.  Anyhoo...Saturday morning we were surprised to find that it is a beautiful day, despite warnings of cold fronts etc.  The perfect day and evening for a party to be held under the lapa.
    We cleaned up outside and got all the seating organised...
    A yummy Greek chocolate mousse cake!
    ...a lamb on the spit...and all that was missing was the 30 odd people that was invited.
     No post will be complete without a photo of one of my treasures.(I need 12 pics)
    Some of the guests...they played along beautifully and parked a block away from our home.
    ...all his closest and nearest and dearest friends.
    The birthday boy, his wife and children.  When he and his wife arrived at our home,we put off all the lights and met them at the outer door.  There was not a car in sight and they were anticipating a quiet, intimate supper with just the two of them and the two of us.  The moment he walked through the front door...the lights went on and the look on his face was priceless...totally speechless...and for a lawyer that is something;-D
    A cuddle from little Lukas.
    Just in case you don't know...that is 50 candles on that cake....
    ...and they did not want to be put out....
    ...yup...it took three people to put out the fire;-D

    A very successful and enjoyable evening...

    For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philipians 4:11-13 NIV 
    xx