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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I never imagined...

Yesterday afternoon at 5 'o clock I get a text from Bianca:  "Why has there got to be so much drama in my life.  I can't handle it, I need your advice...talk to you soon."  I sit and wait...by 9:30 she is still not home. She does not answer her phone, she does not respond to text messages.  I am concerned, I phone the guy that helped her run away and that has been her lift to where ever she wants to go. I tell him that I am looking for Bianca that she has not come home.  He tells me that he can't help me and I must never call him again.

Kobus and I get in the car and start the search...and 10:30 we find her at Pool City sitting at the bar.  I tap her on the shoulder and tell her that I have come to fetch her.  Shock!  The young man becomes cocky and I want to deck him...R.E.A.L.L.Y!   I did not know that I was capable of so much anger.  Behind my back Bianca throws me a zap sign...thank the Lord, I did not see it, DH is livid. (he saw it.)

When we get home...for the first time ever...Bianca talks.  She is like something that has been under pressure and once the pressure is released there is no stopping her.  I JUST SIT IN AMAZEMENT as it unfolds!

No amount of love that we lavished on her, could ever, ever make up for the total rejection she feels.  She tells us that we were the best parents she could have ever hoped for...but that is the thing that makes her so very, very unhappy.  How could we, who are not her flesh and blood, love her so much when her biological parents just discarded her.  She does not feel worthy to receive ANY love, she does not deserve love. She does not know where she belongs.  Maybe she does not belong anywhere.  She does not know who she is or who she is supposed to be. She knows that she is on a path of self destruction.

Slowly we piece it together.  A "dear" family member has told her that her biological father tried to see her and we chased him away like a dog.(A lie, he came to visit her when she was two, spent the weekend with us, sent a gift with no return address about a month after his visit.)  If we loved her, how could we have done that.  If the "dear" family member were close, I would have happily strangled her.  She gave Bianca hope.  After she told her this, Bianca contacted her birth mother to get his information.  She wanted to find him and say..."you were kept away from me...but here I am."  I told her that it was not true and I saw her fall to pieces, her hopes dashed.  I told her that we will hire a PI to find him...and she said.."there is no point, he never wanted me anyway."

She told us that she is  SO messed up and unhappy, that she wishes that she was dead.  She broke up with Marc because he deserved something better than her.  She loves him too much to have him mess up his life because of her. She pushed us away and acted up because then she would get what she deserved...rejection.  It does not make sense to us and reasoning with her does not change how she feels and what she thinks.

How did we miss this?  We work with the discarded of society on a daily basis.  We counsel on a daily basis and I did not see how desperate my own daughter was. Did we do more harm with our "tough love" attitude?  Was this just a further rejection for her?

I just hope and trust that she will find closure when she goes to Australia and meets her birth mother and her siblings.  That she will come to a place where she forgives.  I want to see her happy and alive...truly alive.

18 comments:

  1. Its wonderful that she has finally spoken her heart. I'm sure it helps you that she has let you in.

    I am going to write you an email with my further comments, ok?

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  2. this post made me cry. I can only but imagine the pain in her and your hearts.

    I truly hope that this is the beginning of restoration and healing for her - and potentially the whole family. That would be just like Him - to make something utterly exquisite from something so painful.

    xxx

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  3. I'm crying as well....
    Sorry...I feel so for that child of yours...
    Life is so confusing when you young. I see with my eldest daughter how she is searching for a man to replace the father that gave her up!

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  4. Oh Lynette, poor girl and poor you and DH for all just trying so hard and being high-jacked behind your backs.

    I hope and pray that this is the turning point for her, that by visiting he mom she will find confidence - I know that you and K will always be her heart parents, but his may sort out her "belong" issue.

    Just on the sideline, have you had a chance to have her serotonin levels checked? A not of depression there too?

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  5. Lynette, my heart is so heavy for you and your DH as well as Bianca and all the young people out there suffering such anguish. Praying for Our Father to lift her up and heal this brokenness.

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  6. This just breaks my heart. It is just so sad how self destructive that we can be and how we can not see something staring us in the face but instead convince our self that we are not worthy. Here she is so beautiful, so loved and so adored but she feels worthless because of something that happend to her when she was so young and it was not even about her being not worthy it was about her BMs inability to care for her. How could she have known that that choice would have made your daughter feel so horrible about herself. I have a few friends that were adopted and a few have been on self destructive patterns like this and a few have not been. You just never know. They all have wonderful families that love them but you just never know what their own view of themselves is going to be. I am so so so happy to hear that she has opened up to you and Kobus. Maybe now since you know what you are working with you all can begin to heal. I do hope that she finds what she is looking for in Australia.
    I also think that whatever happens, whether it be that she continues this open dialog or down a distructive road, I think for sure she will eventually come back under your wing where she belongs and you will be able to just love her and she will love you back.
    Also don't beat yourself up as sometimes it is harder to see something right in front of you especially since she was putting up a good show to make you think everything was fine.
    I will be praying for continued healing to all of your hearts.
    Bless you Lynette

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  7. It's wonderful she opened up to you. I worry that she feels so rejected and unworthy of others' love.

    Don't fault yourselves for any kind of parenting--you have done your best, really, you have. The adversary is trying to tell you otherwise so you will feel badly, too. Stay strong, focused, and continue doing what you know in your heart to be the right thing.

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  8. I so agree with Melanie, stay strong and dont have doubts about your parenting. You being a great Mother to her.

    She have Unconditional love from you and you Husband.

    I hope that when she visits her mom helps her.

    My prayers are with her.

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  9. Hello dear friend,
    After reading all this I just want to see my teen boy and hug him and tell him how much I love him, it is hard to say something to comfort you just remember the Lord promises and stay true to Him.
    God bless you Lynette and your family.
    hugs to you.
    Lidia

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  10. Sjoe! Ek het hoendervleis. Ek dink nie dit was moontlik om dit raak te sien nie, want sy het dit so goed weggesteek. Tipies ma, soek onmiddelik 'n rede by jouself. Julle het alles reg gedoen vriendin, die blote feit dat sy jou bel wanneer sy nie meer verder weet nie, is bewys dat sy bo alle twyfel weet dat julle vir haar lief is.
    Die feit dat sy uiteindelik haar vrese en alle ander gevoelens kon verwoord, is die eerste stap na genesing. Ons sal nie ophou bid vir haar en julle hele gesin nie.
    Maak mens vies dat sulke 'welmenende' familie nie net hulle opinies vir hulleself hou nie, VERAL wanneer hulle duidelik nie weet waaroor dit regtig gaan nie.
    Wens ek kon jou sien toe jy so kwaad was, moes glimlag by die blote gedagte daaraan.

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  11. Hi Lynette, so often the phone loses comments after I write long ones so please send me your e mail address, I will save it to my phone & send my reply to you. Thanks, Helen

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  12. I am so glad that she finally opened up to you. Hang in there, Lynette.

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  13. She knows you love her! Keep on doing that.
    She's got to work through her own story and pain, and unfortunately you can't help her with that!
    Prayers to all of you!

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  14. It is a good step forward for her to finally open up to you. Take care xx

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  15. Oh Lynette - this made me cry too! For your and Kobus's anguish - and for a tormented teen heart. The teen ego is so frafile and influential... in a few years time with a bit of maturity and insight, she will see things for what they are: That she has, and always will be loved.
    Hang in there, my friend, lets hope this acknowledgement of her feelings signals the beginning of the end of her torment. x-x

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  16. I just received a word that I thought was so appropriate for the situation & I have forwarded it to you via email , Lynette .

    Stay strong , stand in the faith, my friend !

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  17. Lynette please don't beat yourself up. Just be grateful that she has finally opened up to you and Kobus. Least you now no what is going on in her mind and why she has been acting the way she has.

    I believe with all my heart that what you have done up to now has been correct. Maybe if she had opened up to you sooner you might have handled it differently but you can't beat yourself up over that.

    Lots of love and hugs. xxxx

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  18. It sounds as if she is really trying to find her way...Hopefully it will be back to you. When all is said and done, she will really realize that there is no place like home...With you and Kobus.She still has some discovering to do. She feels something is missing in her life, but will realize one day. Nothing is missing. Love is all you need. She is just taking the long way home...I will continue my prayers. hope and pray that she stays safe, and that you and Kobus find peace. Your faith will guide you through this very difficult time...Hang in there...

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