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Monday, September 20, 2010

Brooding

I have been brooding for days now...not knowing whether I should blog my thoughts and feelings...and at the same time knowing that I have to.  That putting it out there will make me feel somewhat better.  That if I keep these toxic feelings inside, it would somehow poison me.  So there it is...whether you like it or not...you are part of my therapy.

Talking about therapy, Bianca went for counseling last week with a friend and pastor.  She did not talk about it when I picked her up and I did not want to force anything.  I was relieved that she had gone...that was until this morning.  We phoned the pastor to find out how it went.  His reply was that she went to see him purely because we expected her to.  She does not believe she has a problem and she does not need any help.  I was stunned.  When Bianca spoke to us for the first time (see my previous post) to me it sounded like a cry for help.  She felt that she was messed up, unworthy and confused.  Now it would appear that she wants to either remain that way or that she was just manipulating us again.  Where to from here?

For the past while I have had these feelings boiling in me.  At the time when Bianca's adoption came up, Kobus and I were considering having another baby...and hoping that it would be a baby girl.  When we were given the option to adopt Bianca, we dropped our plans of having another baby.  Now I am sitting with this awful feeling that I am left with the short end of the stick.  I always dreamed of having a wonderful mother/daughter relationship and I look at the strained relationship I have with Bianca.  She so obviously don't want to be around any of the family.  We have nothing in common and nothing to talk about.  Then I look at Kobus and our boys and the time they spend together playing golf, going hunting and just being happy together.  I look at many of you, my blog friends, and your wonderful relationship with your daughters...and I feel cheated!  I know that it sounds stupid and shallow, but I can't help wondering...what if....

28 comments:

  1. Ai Lynette, I get that! I really do. In the same breath my MIL always wanted a daughter, but never had one. Then when I became her first DIL she had all these ideas of what we should be doing together, and I really now have almost a better relationship with her than with my own mom.

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  2. Oh Lynette! What a place you are in. Sharing your feelings though honestly, does help so please don't ever feel like you cannot write them here. We are not the judgemakers... We will be there through all of this and love you, pray for you, and listen.

    I remember when A was little. I hoped and prayed for a little girl so that I could have one when we were pregnant! I prayed so hard. And the biggest reason for my prayer? I wanted to have a little girl so that my relationship with her would be so very different from my mother's and mine. Without getting into it all, it wasn't a very good one and later in life neither of us were very good at the whole thing. While this tormented me inside because I thought that my relationship with A would be the same, it is not. Not at all. And of course the Lord came through!

    I share this with you because although it is a very different scenario, that you realize the course of actions were far in place back before kids were even a part of your life and now today that Bianca is that little girl. The Lord knew your heart. He knew that this would take place and knew that Bianca would be going through this trial and tribulation just as much as you are.

    And even though that isn't a comforting thought right now, you must know that he has your best interest at heart as I know you know. But also because even though I spent almost my entire life wishing, hoping, praying that my relationship with my own mother would have been different it was not. I now accept it for what it was and I love my mother, very much.

    So my friend, do not think that you have the short end of the stick. The Lord knew exactly what you needed by the desires of your heart and Bianca needs you more than you could possibly ever know.

    Be real. Be honest. Love her like you are. Be there for her. Listen to her. You are a good mother and her choices are not a reflection of you being her mother, they are her choices.

    I pray friend for you today that you cry out to the Lord. That you are showered in his peace and that he show you that you are a wonderful parent, mother, wife, friend and most of all constant of strength in B's life.

    e.

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  3. Dear Lynette,

    I'm so sorry this has happened. It is so normal to have these feelings you are having. Nothing in life is a guarantee though. There are lots of what if's . . . thankfully, you have the Lord to comfort you and help you understand you have done all you could with Bianca.

    Take some time to for yourself. Enjoy your vacation. I'll be thinking of you.

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  4. I have two boys. I don't have a daughter. But I hope to always have a good relationship with my boys even if they don't/won't do things with me similar to a mother/daughter relationship.

    I'm the oldest of six girls. My mother favors child #3 and the rest of us probably all long for the mother/daughter relationship you wish you had with Bianca.

    My mom is present in a crisis, but when things are going well she's a bit distant. I've tried to reach out to her and be closer, but end up getting my feelings hurt.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I hope it helped. :)

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  5. I can understand where you're coming from. I only have one daughter, who is young, and I sometimes find myself fearing that we won't get along when we're older. Then I remember how terrible I treated my own mother as a teenager and didn't really grow-up until I got married. Bianca is still young, give her some time to mature and figure some things out about life. {{Hugs}}

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  6. Hi Lynette, I have a daughter too.. i cannot say we have a really good close mother/daughter relationship.. i know what u meant when there are some mother/daughter who talks about anything.. but me with my girl.. not so.. she is very quiet..she keeps her personal feelings to herself, she rarely tells me about her friends..what she does in school etc etc.. even when i ask, she will just say one or two words, "its okay" and she spends more time sms-ing than talking to me.. sometimes i also feel, hey, how come some mothers have so much to tell their girls and vice versa.. how come my own girl is so reserved? we love them, no doubt about that.. we as parents also are learning to be one..
    but above all, i hope our girls know that we love them...
    Lynette, as a parent, it is never easy.. all we can give them is our moral support and everlasting "patience" and love..
    I hope Bianca will come to terms with her "adoption" and that she comes to realize that you are her mother, biological or not.. it is just the nine months difference...

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  7. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lynette}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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  8. Lynette, not having a dtr myself, I don't really know exactly the feeling, but I do know how much we love our kids and want the best for them. I think being honest with ourselves and our feelings is the first step in healing. Also, I can remember being Bianca's age well, and I HATED (sad but true) my mother. I really did honestly, I thought she was bossy and overbearing and was trying to ruin my life, since I thought I knew it all (which was SOOOO wrong and i see that now but couldn't at the time). In my case it all ended up well and I am close to my Mother now. I think if you continue on this path of being honest, truthful, and strong you will end up with a better stronger relationship in the end. I really pray for this for you, and I even though it is hard now I am hoping this rocky road will bring a joyous end. I am so sorry for your pain though and wish we were closer, I'd give you a great big hug my friend! But for now I will continue to pray for you and for Bianca.

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  9. Lynette,
    I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You gave that baby girl all of your heart. You gave her every bit of you and also sacrificed your needs, putting hers first.That is so much more than anyone would ever want.
    I cannot imagine a life without my daughter. She is a part of me that I find difficult to let go. Yet this past Thursday, We let her go. We sent her on a plane to the other side of the country for school. So far away in a strange place. She just turned 19 years old. Yes we are very close, for that I am grateful, but it is breaking my heart (a different hurt from yours) that she is alone. The first night in her apartment, her roommate threw a party. The roommate and her guests got drunk, and kept invading my daughters space. They spilled beer all over the living room floor and went into my daughters bathroom, took all of her brand new towels and mopped everything up with them . they kept my daughter up all night, and by the morning she had not slept for over 48 hours. She broke down, got physically ill, missed school orientation.Even told me she needed to go to the hospital because she was feeling that bad. I was helpless, I just kept reassuring her that she was sleep deprived and that was causing all of her symptoms. I begged her to try to go to sleep. She couldn't. I was heartbroken. I couldn't hold her to tell her that everything was going to be alright. That this was going to pass. And of all people, I thought about you. I thought, Lynette. What she must feel that her little girl is broken. And she tries but cant fix her, Lynette...I just wanted to give you hugs. To tell you that you are not alone. And that this to shall pass. My goodness, it is a horrible feeling to feel helpless. I hated it. She felt alone and scared, and I couldn't help her. I continue to pray for you and Bianca Lynette. I pray that one day she will break, and realize who loves her the most. Who carries her heart in their soul. I pray she at least knows this of you. I really really pray. Hang in there. And if just blogging about it gives you some relief, then blog away. We are here for you...
    {{{hugs}}}
    xoxoxoxoxox
    Lisa

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  10. Lynette, (soft and gentle whisper) I hear you grieving for a loving and responsive daughter, not a flesh and blood daughter. Flesh and blood is not magic glue. I pray that God will restore the years that the locusts have eaten and that your prodigal daughter will return to your arms. There is a road not travelled and as it disappears into the woods it may look magical and the sun may dance temptingly through the shadows - but it was a road not travelled. I have been reading about prodigal children and the thought terrifies me - it is beyond anything I could imagine. To feel that no matter how much you offer - the response is rejection. God heals. He wrote the prodigal story. I pray that your fattened calf scene comes soon x x x x

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  11. Big hugs and lots of prayers coming your way my friend. I too struggle with a lot of feelings that is very hard to put into words. I have three beautiful daughters and always dreamed of having the relationship with them that I had with my mother. She was my idol, my mentor, my best friend, my everything. I really tried to be that for my girls, but sadly it doesn't always work out that way. My one daughter is draining us financially and then telling people such incredible lies about how badly she is treated by her family. She honestly believes that she has the worst parents ever, and that her MIL is the most amazing person she has ever met, even though this lady is the one that poisons her and tries to poison my grandchildren too. I thank the Lord for a 5 year old that knows without a doubt that 'my ouma loves me more than anything in the world' and says it without any doubt. I thank Him too for the ability to not fall into their trap and sink to the MIL's level. I saw the look on her face when my little granddaughter told her: 'Granny, you know what? My ouma says that you and her love me the most in the whole world!" Hope she learnt that I am not there to put her down in a little girl's heart, but that we can both love her.
    Point of this story? I don't know if there is a point, other than to say to you that even though we try, we don't always have perfect relationships with our daughters, but that doesn't stop us from loving them. Hang in there my friend, God gave you to Bianca as a mother, because He knows that you are exactly what she needs and she will realise that too one day very soon. You are making progress- baby steps my friend, baby steps.

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  12. I don't know,maybe I am the one that's going to sound stupid now, BUT, what if you try and invite her on a mother and daughter weekend, only the two of you?? Somewhere away from it all,the rush and the rest of the family,maybe she will open up to you then? Maybe in a way she feels left out,knowing all the other kids are for real?
    I know this is another hint coming from your side and that she is doing nothing to proof her love,but just maybe;)
    I am still sure that there is a reason for all this happening . . .xx

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  13. Lynette I have two girls and the one is so strained as well...with my oldest...I watch how the young girls around me adore their mom's and need them in their lives _ yet I feel my own daughter could very easily carry on life without me in it...
    thank goodness I have two girls so have that in a weird way with the distance with her.
    But what I am trying to say to you is even with one's own children there is no guarantee that what you so badly feel u need you would have gotten.

    I send love and a huge hug as I know your heart has a hole in it that needs to be filled...

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  14. Oh my friend - i'm not sure that the 'biological bond' would guarantee a wonderful relationship with your daughter either. I don't have an answer for you but i do believe that she needs to go to Oz to spend time with the other woman and realise that she has not actually missed out on anything there and that what Kobus and you have given her is more than she could ever have asked for or been given. I still think that she has it too easy with you and that she is still manipulating the two of you. YOu've taken her back into your home and life and hearts and she is giving zero in return - that was not the agreement.

    Tough love my dear i think. It's time to enforce it.

    Much love xx

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  15. I guess Meriel hit the nail on the head...that is it...I am grieving for the relationship I was hoping and praying for and that just did not happen.

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  16. We can hear your pain and frustration! Don't give up on the relationship! She is hitting out and knows where to hurt you the most! She feels rejected, and in some strange way creates the rejection again...
    Thinking of you!

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  17. Not been a parent it is hard for me to comment but I just want to give you a big hug, hug and hang onto the Lord - He knows your heart and will restore what has been stolen from you. xxxxxxxxx

    Don't beat yourself up to harshly as whatever you have done, at the time you thought is was the best.

    Sometimes when you have a chance to look back with a lot more insight into the situation you realise maybe it was not but at the time it was the right thing to do. xxxxxx

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  18. I think it has all been said.
    You have very insightful blogbuddies.

    I think writing this out; sharing the deep seated, apparently unanswered cry of your heart, I believe you will begin to recover.

    Bianca is young, even in the BEST mom/daughter relationships things are treacherous in these years. Your circumstances just magnify the stuff.

    This is not the end, or the defining moment in your future relationship with Bianca. My heart tells me it may just be the beginning.

    xxx

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  19. I was going to say basically what Mel said: the growing up years are notoriously a "rocky road" period for moms and daughters.

    Because of Bianca's choices (not her background! Remember, she was quite happy until recently) your situation with her is more fraught even than the norm.

    But - it aint over, kiddo. No fat lady has sung yet.

    And God has this way of turning the enemy's schemes on their heads, and bringing wonderful out of horrible.

    Take courage, dear friend.

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  20. Thinking of you Lynette. My relationship with my daughter is far from perfect, it appears to be improving at the moment for some unexplained reason but as I said far from perfect.

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  21. Firstly - Meriel: you write so beautifully. Your comment almost made me weep. You should blog again.. your words are food for the soul x

    Lynette - I think it has all been said in the wonderful comments above.
    These teen/ twenty something years are a mine field for moms/daughters. But they are not the defining years. Did you have a strong bond with her when she was a baby/little girl? Did you feel a connection with her then?

    It will come back - your relationship will come full circle. As painful as it is now.... just wait. You'll see x-x

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  22. What amazing responses you have had, I can only add that I am thinking of you, and am praying for you.

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  23. She is still your daughter. We all have difficult times with our daughters. They disagree with us, dont talk to us and then they turn back to us and become very attached to us. You have to ride the storm Lynette and trust that God will bring you and Bianca to the other side of this trauma.

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  24. I honestly don't know the words to make you feel better but please know that you are in my thoughts and that this is a safe place to share your feelings - you are an amazing lady!
    xxx
    A

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  25. You know the saying, 'if you love soemthing set it free...' well i think that your daughter needs to be set free to grow up. I cant believe the disrespect she shows to you. I think that come time , she will realise what she has with you and slowly come back into your arms. it may be a long journey, but at this age, one does think really only think of oneselves, thinking of others comes with age, and wisdom and time.
    as for biological bonds, i dont have a particularly good relationship with my mother, I dont think just because one is blood, makes it a given. i pray every day that my relationship with my daughter is 1000 times better than mine with my mother.
    much love to you always, Lynette.

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  26. Don't be sorry for being human , Lynette ! it so pains me to hear what you're saying here - I'm sure I can't even begin to fathom what you're going thru' with Bianca - although I can totally hear you about the lack of relationship - i have that with so many so called family members - that I have learnt to let go of those relationships & move on ... if you can't talk about the past , present or future with anyone - what relationship is there to go by ? alas I have too many of such people in my life - so I can understand that .

    May He be your shelter and tabernacle you in the midst of the shaking structures in the world (Joel 3:16-17).

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  27. Lynette I only just saw this e mail {the one advising us of an update} because I still have over 700 e mails to file. I thought I had at least skimmed them but alas some I had missed entirely! Just too hectic my side & my time with no pc meant they piled up. Shame , I hear what you are saying. I have always been wary of adoption because you hear stories like this but then what you did was a wonderful selfless thing so Bianca's behaviour is also inexplicable to me. I don't know why - really - I am mystified like you. I don't have a relationship with my parents - they are the ones that are manipulative of me - and I recently just accepted them & stopped trying. Some things just are the way that they are. The way I look at it I have wonderful relationships with my kids so it compensates for none with my parents. In your case I would look at it like you have wonderful relations with your hubby & boys so you need to concentrate on those & those with your grandchildren. I really don't know what else to say - you can't flog a dead horse if the other partner is not willing to buck up their ideas as it takes 2 to tango. Just throw all your affections into the wonderful relationships that are reciprocated & tell Bianca that when & if she is ever ready to have a normal relationship with you you'll be there but can she please stay away if she just wants to cause havoc.

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