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Thursday, August 26, 2010

I know I have been very quiet on this blog, and that is purely because I have come to a place where I don't know what to say.

Just to update you on what has happened since my last post:
  • Bianca went for the tonsil operation on Thursday 28 July and was adamant that she did not want to come home to recuperate...so we dropped her off at the flat and found out that she had been living with some guy.
  • On Saturday 30 July she sent me an sms to ask whether she can come and recuperate at home...and DH and I left immediately to go and fetch her.
  • After a week it became clear that she had no intention of moving back with her friends and I suspect that she left on that Saturday night without greeting them or telling them of her plans, thereby successfully burning another bridge.
  • When she had recovered fully from the operation she started going back to college and we just slipped back into the old routine.
  • It left me feeling uneasy as there was no remorse for what she had done and no apologies for her bad behaviour...I felt that there was a lot of unfinished business.
  • Everyday I walk past my guest room and see her yet unpacked suitcases and wonder when the day will come that I will come home and she is gone again.  
  • For this past weeks I have had a constant knot at the pit of my stomach.
  • A week ago we discovered items that had gone missing around the house between her belongings and had to confront her.  DH handled it so well (I am so proud of him) he offered to send her for help. (she lies and steals without batting an eyelid).  
  • She refused the help, which resulted in us asking her to stay elsewhere when we go away for weekends or holidays as she cannot be trusted alone at home.
  • We found out that she had contacted her biological mom in Australia in an effort to immigrate.
Kobus and I spoke about her going to Australia and decided that we loved her enough to let her go.  We have invested time, energy and lots of love in her...if she can find her happiness in Australia that would be good.  Her happiness is what counts.  The problem is that she can not run from her problems and sooner or later they will surface again...and what then?  My sister Elsa, (her biological mom) is currently busy finding out what would be necessary for her to get a long term visa.  The whole process will take time and she will probably be able to complete her studies before she leaves.  I DO believe that a lot of unfinished business in Bianca and Elsa's lives will find closure if they can spend time together.

What to do in the meantime tho?  I am sitting here feeling like an absolute zombie.   She did not come home last night and I did not sleep a wink. She does not accept that she has to live under our "house rules".  We have already sat down and laid down the rules and she goes out of her way to break them.  I can't do this anymore...my nerves are shattered.  I don't know what to expect from one day to the next.  Help!!!! Suggestions please?

19 comments:

  1. Lynette, i know as a mother, we find it difficult to let go of our kids, having said that, actually they are not kids anymore but adults. Once they reach 18 and above, they do have their thoughts and we as parents can just give moral support and advice. We cannot implant any more rules forcibly.
    As for Bianca, my view is that, u should let her go... let her be on her own... she is still young no doubt but as she grows each day being out of your protective world, she will have to experience maturity in her own way. You and your DH have done what you ought to do.. we parents are not superpeople... it is time to let go...
    Hope one day she will understand how it feels to be a parent.. and hope she does... one fine day..
    God bless u Lynette.. u have done a good job..dont blame yourself..

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  2. Wow! This must be so very very difficult! My heart bleeds for you!
    It is very easy to stand on the sidelines and tell you what to do... But it is not so easy when it is your own life and your own dear "daughter" that you love!

    My thought here is: Tough love! You cannot go on like this!

    My prayers will be with you...

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  3. I read this the other day:
    You are not in charge of your children and how they turn out
    Children absorb you, not what you teach them or give them
    The greatest gift you can give your child is your Joy
    To me it sounds like your joy is being taken away by the constant knot of not knowing what to expect, this is not fair on you at all.
    I have to agree with Momagain@40 and the tough love approach.

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  4. My friend, I have no suggestions - I have no experience. What I am wondering about is drugs - things disappearing just sound like that.

    I will keep you in my prayers as always.

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  5. O grrl !

    I don't know what to say either - I do have this song - which I hope will truly comfort you during this time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LplB6L3q3rY

    Perhaps the lyrics will speak to you as well for your situation .

    please have a look at it !

    (((((((((hugs ))))))))))))

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  6. I was wondering about you & how things were going just yesterday & wanting to e mail you about it but then I decided that may be out of place of me...I am purposely not reading the comments above so that what I say is totally my own. I could not live with the situation you have. I have the own one with my parents {yes, the other way around, and they are biological - or should I say I am?!} and I have tried everything. Over the years I have come to accept that I cannot change them & cannot have what I would like or for them to be people I can be proud of. After much recent antics I have now told them {a month ago via sms} that I cannot have further contact with them as it is no good for my physical health & mental wellbeing. I haven't heard a word & it will only be a matter of time until I hear that they have passed away, and I won't be attending the funeral. Sometimes people come into our lives, or we bring them in, and we have such high hopes of what could be & it could be so easy if they would just play their part, but there is only so much that we can do. I know that you have emotional attachments but she has some money now {I remember you mentioning something she received when she turned 21} & I would tell her that it's the end of the road for her in your house. That it took you a long time to accept what she had done the first time around & you are not going to go through that again, and now she either needs to live like a considerate human being or accept the consequences {no cell phone, computer, vehicle, etc} or move out. There is no more you can do. Tell her you love her dearly but what she is doing is destroying you emotionally & you need to protect yourself & your marriage first & foremost & she is most welcome back into your home & life, but only on your terms, with immediate effect.

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  7. Lynette, I have no advice, but want you to know that you remain in prayers.
    :) Amy

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  8. Lynette, I just want you to know I am continuing to lift you and your family up in prayer, I KNOW He will answer them, it may not be as we expect or in the time frame that will be to our liking but I know with so many prayers surrounding you you will find strength and peace. Stay strong and I think you are handling this whole situation with grace, love, and wisdom.
    God bless friend!

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  9. Dear Lynette! I cannot even begin to imagine what this must be doing to you.
    And have no idea what to say - but will pray with the others for you and we will watch to see what our God will do.
    Don't lose heart, my friend.

    Remember our battle is not against flesh and blood, but is a spiritual battle.
    In B's case, blatantly so.
    That should get you mad instead of sad - and in the right direction!

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  10. Clearly I am not equipped to offer parental advice here. One day at a time; seeking Him first and foremost. I believe your peace and answers will come from Him. Potentially you know what needs to be done and the pain of the inevitable is what is causing your torment? Ah, jong, we all with you bok. Hang tight. xxx

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  11. Wow, so difficult. I've seen how she treats you Lynette. She doesn't respect you and I think you need to tell her to go. You released her money to her - let her use it to find somewhere to rent (you CANNOT set her up with her own flat because once again she will have the upper hand). If she stays in your house it is by your rules - and she is not sticking to them so she must leave. Plain and simple. If she wants to go to Elsa she must go. You cannot help her anymore. She knows that you are right there waiting and will always be there for her, that is why she behaves in the way she does. Your rules or no rules. Shew. I said too much i fear but hate to see how she is hurting both you and Kobus, when you have given her everything and more since you adopted her. She needs a bloody good hiding!

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  12. I know only you and ~DM can sort this one out.
    I know from my own experience with a child who went off the rails...
    I can only but hold you up in prayer during this time...and I can tell you that this too will pass...
    It has to...they have to grow up...they have to find their own way...
    Stealing is a terrible thing ~ when a child steals from you..something I also know very well...but yet as parents we keep giving, keep trying...I know where you are. I so understand and I know you know this.

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  13. Lynette--you have been through so much. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said. It is so hard to be a parent. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  14. Ek dink so dikwels aan jou en jou familie liewe lLynette. Advies die het ek nie. Al wat ek het is gebede en weet dat daar baie opgaan vir julle almal. Vir jou en Kobus vir wysheid, vir Bianca vir inkeer vir jou seun se volkome genesing. Een ding het ek deur baie swaarkry geleer en dit is dat die Vader nooit ooit laat los nie, al is Hy die enigste een wat nog vashou. My wyse moeder het altyd gese: 'oor 'n jaar lag ons hieroor my kind." Gewoonlik was sy dan nog reg daaroor ook.
    Baie sterkte vir julle almal.

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  15. Hi Lynette, I have no real advice or suggestions. I can sort of relate to what you are going through though. I have been in a "similar" situation. This sort of happened to my sister. Not the part about her biological mother but the disappearing act, we later found out her boyfriend had beat her up, she came to stay at our place, we never knew if she was coming or going, I was forever worrying about her and would always ask where she has been. This then would follow with us arguing, to the point where she ended up leaving and going back to him! We didn't talk for a long time after that. I don't know what to say except, just be there for her. Don't ask too many questions as you may push her away?

    I can imagine how hard it would be seeing her unpacked suitcase. It was the same with my sister when she stayed and she'd go out and not come home and I knew she was over with the boyfriend.

    I know it's not the same, but I think the feelings I felt were very similar to yours.

    You are in my thoughts.

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  16. everybody has said it all!
    me?? i also think you should let her go...even if it is hard, she is also stealing your life right now, you and your husband should now be spending just happy moments together. i am sure you love her enough, to set her free. . .
    enjoy your weekend:)
    xxx

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  18. Lynette, I am so sorry that you are still in so much pain. The torment is not good for your health, Bianca has got to know that you and Kobus love her, or she would have not asked for help once again. Of course her selfishness comes through once again and she starts behaving badly. It appears she has no considerations for your feelings or your rules...As difficult as it may be, let her go. Let her discover her biological mother. It appears you will not be able to stop her anyway. Do not torture yourself about it. Bianca will learn to find her own way in this world. You have guided her thus far, you did the best you could, gave her a firm foundation. She obviously has issues (same as my niece)and one day will possibly tire of her chosen lifestyle..Maybe come to her senses. Or she will continue on the spiral downward until she hits bottom..Even then, that may not be her wake up call. Continue to let her know you love her, you will never give up on her, but you cant continue to give in...That is not fair to you and your family. I only speak through experience(my sister and niece). You can only pray for her safety. Open your arms and let go...Leave it up to the Lords will...I will continue to pray for all of you. You are in my heart...♥♥♥
    {{{hugs}}}
    Lisa

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  19. Oh Lynette! I wish I had some words of wisdom, or some stoic advice for you... but alas... I have none!
    All I can say is what I feel... and as an outsider looking in, I think that you have to look after YOURSELF and your health foremost. This stress of her living under your roof, but not abiding any rules, must certainly be WORSE than when she was living alone.
    She needs an ultimatum. You have given her everything, and it is her turn to come to the party, or pack her bags.

    I know this must be the hardest thing for you, so I wish you much strength and please know that all your friends in the computer are holding you up in prayer
    Love you lots - you are an angel walking on this earth, and don't let a naive, young girl make you doubt that
    x-x

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