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Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Month later....

Amazing how time and distance can bring perspective into any situation.  In every situation we can choose to be a victim or we can learn from the experience...so what have I learned:
  • That some people cannot be trusted with your most vulnerable feelings.  After the very first post on this blog, I felt the first pain of betrayal and had to deny access to siblings and their closest friends.  Yes, isn't it just amazing that those we would normally expect to support us are the ones who points accusing fingers at you?
  • Bianca's biological mother, my sister Elsa who lives in Australia, have decided to become part of Bianca's life once again and is the one who is now supporting her financially.
  • It is sad to see how she never learned from mistakes made in her youth and to see how she is now encouraging Bianca to make the exact same mistakes...history repeating itself.
  • Bianca ignores all sms's that we send her except on Monday when she felt sick.  I took her to the doctor and tonsilitis was diagnosed.  She knows where we are when she needs us...that is a comforting thought.
  • Because I had to take her to the doctor, I now know where she lives.  I did not go in...I prefer to be blissfully ignorant where it comes to her living conditions...that way I don't lay awake at night.
  • She looked so neglected and she smelled like an overflowing ashtray....it took all my strength not to grap her and hold her and take her home.
  • College started last Monday and she has not been attending.
  • On Monday her policy will be paying out...I wonder how long her money will last.
  • She is now living in the 4th place since leaving and seem to have cut ties with all the people that helped her thus far.
  • I have thought a lot about NATURE vs NURTURE.  Why do I see so much of Elsa's mannerisms in Bianca...why is she making so many of the same mistakes? 
xx

27 comments:

  1. wow Lynette! you are even more amaizing person than I did think of you before! reading these made me look at my own problems and realise that I am being totally silly...

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  2. I know it must have been a very difficult journey for you and your husband to come to the realization that you had to regretfully "let go"...Not your choice I am sure. I am sorry that Bianca seems to be following in the footsteps of your sister. That must be very difficult for you to watch. Rebellion at 21 or 12 is a very difficult time. Hang in there, continue to pray for her safety. When she does come out of her darkness and into the light, that will be a glorious day. And she will. My prayers are continued in your favor...Hugs, Lisa

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  3. well, it seems that some of us need to bump our heads more than once,she is one of them. after what you have done for her, i can not believe that your sister is intefering.i know blood is thicker than water, but she should know better and help her in the right direction.
    you have done your best, all you can do now is to completely leave her in the hands of our Almighty God.

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  4. You have an amazingly poitive attitude & are so full of love for Bianca (and obviously your whole family)that you are proving to both Bianca & yourself that you are always there for her without critising or blame - thats awesome & I admire your way tremendously. Still lifting you & yours up in prayer so just go with God I know that there are so many people praying for this situation you must have some peace amid all the hurt. xxx

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  5. Shame Lynette - it is all very sad - after all those years of nurture she has chosen nature...very distressing...and heartbreaking for you no doubt. And now a double-betrayal - that is really like being dealt 2 blows - but time does heal & you do have lovely memories. Sadly we all have certain similar situations. I no longer have anything to do with my sister & nieces {who I was very fond of} because they also went the nature route - and human nature as you know is an ugly creature...

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  6. There is a big picture.
    I find it so helpful to remember that, as I know you do.

    Some people are just so headstrong: love,that huge wise love that we know and trust, knows just how to shepherd those.

    But it takes courage to 'go there' as a parent so hats off to you and K for yours.
    XX

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  7. Thank you for sharing your heart. At least you know where she is now, I will continue to pray for her.

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  8. This situation is so sad. I feel for you, Lynette. I don't know what else to say, but I think you are truly an amazing lady. Truly. One day Bianca will realise the consequences of her actions. Thinking of you xx

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  9. You are so amazingly strong Lynette, I think of you so often xxx

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  10. WOW Lynette, you are 100% of the stuff mothers are made of. I come and read and share your journey.
    With your honesty, love and faith, you are one amazing woman. You will always be surrounded by frineds because you open your heart and share and ask for help when you need it.
    My only wish for you is that your path be smoother from here on.
    Hugs, Irene xx

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  11. Human nature can be so, so ugly , it's true ! & there are things unfortunately that run in bloodlines ....

    You & Kobus have such a huge capacity to love your children !!! It is amazing ! They are sooo very , very blessed !!!

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  12. I find this post absolutely heartbreaking and fascinating at the same time. Heartbreaking - for you, and your family, and fascinating for the nature vs nurture debate! It seems that we ARE truly born, and not made. She was all of 6 months when she came to live with you, and has only been exposed to your values and beliefs, yet has turned out, as you say, just like her biological Mum.
    Know that you do no wrong, and that she does turn to you when feeling ill. That must be some comfort for you
    Hugs x-x-x-x

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  13. Lynette, may God grant you all the strength u need.. u have done your best and it is time to let go and let her learn and realize it .. she may have to go thru hardships to understand what she needs... continue to pray for her ...

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  14. We will talk a great deal in the coming days so i will voice my mind then.

    I can hear tho that you do seem a lot more at peace with what has happened, which is a good thing.

    much love my friend, always xx

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  15. xxx you have been in my prayers xxx

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  16. You are doing the best you can do! Letting go, but being available! You are very strong! Best of wishes!
    You will see that it will pay back to you in the end!
    Thinking of you...

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  17. Oh Lynette, you are one amazing mom. It's great that she does call you when she needs you. As to Elsa, what can we say? Another lesson to learn.

    As to nature vs nurture, it is so interesting with the twins that are raised in exactly the same circumstances and differ so much. I am convinced nature plays a huge role.

    Maybe this bit a lightheartedness on the debate: http://juggelingactoflife.blogspot.com/search?q=nature+vs+nurture

    Enjoy your time with Shayne

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  18. There is a lot of truth about nature and certain mannerisms and mindsets to tend to haunt families through the generations. I trust that the nurturing you have given Bianca will bear fruit and that she will break the curse of the bad decisionmaking. The curse can be broken but only by Bianca. Only she can decide to become a different person than her birthmother and only God can bring her to that decision.

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  19. I have found your story hitting a note with what is going on in my life at the moment. I was adopted at 6 weeks. I found out 3 years ago that I was adopted (I am 40), and that the man I always considered my Uncle was in fact my biological father, and my Dad is my biological Uncle. My relationship with my adoptive Mum has deteriorated considerably, as she has handled me finding out very badly, and has made me feel like the guilty party and that I am 'turning out to be a completely different person to what she thought I was'. I won't go into the details, but I am so fascinated by some of the things you say because I wonder what my Mum is really feeling, but won't discuss.

    I've also recently had my biological mother come into my life, and she has been so incredibly supportive and understanding, in essence everything I wanted my Mum to be, but has turned out not to be. I wish you were closer, I would love to talk to you about your feelings, it might help me see things in a different light. Please keep blogging, because you are such a level headed and clear thinking lady that you are helping others, not just yourself. xxxx

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  20. I'm glad u know where she is living, that helps..not knowing is the worst ever.
    The story of Bianca is falling into place now, I never knew this was your sisters child that you have adopted ~ if you are brave can you share that story with us.

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  21. Amazing, just amazing. It must be so hard to see this young woman you have raised turn against all she has been taught. I fear that with my own children. You are a great example of love for a child--you love her just as Christ would.

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  22. Hi Lynette, I have no words for you today, i know its been so difficult but you been so strong about it and I think God is guiding you through this hard times.
    My prayers are with her.

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  23. Every time I come here and read your posts my heart breaks for you.

    All i can say is that you have brought up Bianca in the right way and instilled good values and principles in her and all you can now pray is that those won't be forgotten by her.

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  24. Maybe try that hug next time, you are the perfect Mom so I am sure you could do it, she will respond! Thinking of you lots and I can see by the comments that you touch so many people. x x

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  25. Oh Lynette my heart aches for you!! The betrayal you feel from family must cut like a knife.

    The debate over nature vs nurture is a powerful one.

    Clearly Your daughter knows that when she needs help she can always count on you to be there for her. I'm glad you have some contact with her and you know that she is safe.

    I'm just curious, (although it is none of my business).....has Bianca always known she was adopted and that Elsa was her bio-mom?

    It's possible this new relationship is in the "honeymoon" phase. Right now Elsa can entertain Bianca's whims. She doesn't need to act as the responsible parent. Afterall, you did all the raising and guiding.

    Often times children of divorce quickly learn how to manipulate/plot one parent against the other. Perhaps some of this behavior applies here. Or perhaps Elsa feels the need to support your daughter out of a sense of guilt or trying to make up for the past. No matter the reasons, it still hurts your heart!

    It's so painful when children rebel, and hopefully this is just a phase Bianca is going through. You need to trust in the fact that you raised her right and one day she will recognize this fact and come back to you.

    Someone once told me, "When our children are little they will step on our feet.....when they become older they will sometimes step on our hearts."........so true.

    You are in my thoughts & prayers Lynette!! Stay strong and have faith! You've raised your girl right and she knows the way she should go. All anyone of us can do is pray that she chooses the right path.

    Sending you lots of love, Lynette. Try to stay strong and have faith.

    Debbie xx

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  26. You are such an amazing woman Lynette. I would have never knew that you're not her biological mother. You gave her your home, your life, your love, your heart, and your best..she was lucky to have you.
    I agree that there are people who we trusted and are the ones who put us down. last month I was betrayed by a good friend who I entrusted something, something that can get me in trouble, she got me in trouble indeed and I paid dearly for it.
    I hope that Bianca will soon come to her senses and realizes things. It is sad to see the history repeating itself..
    I'll keep praying for you and your family. ((hugs))

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