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Friday, June 25, 2010

Thoughts

I find it so difficult to put what I am feeling into words, so please bear with me okay?

Today it is 10 days since Bianca left.  I am no longer falling apart every few minutes and I am feeling stronger but we all react in such different ways.  It feels as if a cloak of sadness is around my shoulders and I just can't shake it off.  DH is reacting differently, and I worry about him.  He has become quiet and withdrawn and he is pretending that she has just gone away for a holiday.  Just thinking of this...gives me leaky seams. I personally don't know a single person that had a child just move out...

These days going to work has become an escape.  Concentrating on other peoples problems are forcing me not to concentrate on my own all the time.  But then we come home...I still can't bear walking into her empty room...and sleep does not come easy.

What we do know is that she is still active on Facebook...she has deleted all the family and anybody that would tell me what she is writing...but it gives me a sense of peace to know that she can contact me if she needs to.  I also had to make a decision to accept that she is safe...if she wasn't she would have come home.

Tomorrow is her 21st birthday and my heart aches when I think that I will not be able to surprise her with her gift and a cup of coffee...my heart aches when I think that we will not be able to celebrate it as a family.  I started making her a beautiful album for her birthday...I can't bear to touch it at the moment.  Maybe this weekend I will complete it...maybe looking at some of the silly, crazy, happy pics will make me feel less of a failure...because that is what I feel...although I say that I know it is not my fault...I still find myself questioning whether I could, somehow, have prevented this. 

We bought her a laptop for her birthday...and I am wondering how we are going to get it to her...what she will be doing tomorrow...if she misses us...

23 comments:

  1. wow - what a difficult time to think about - birthdays and special moments always impact harder than any other days.
    my thought and prayers are with you.
    hugs
    Betty Bake

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  2. Oh Lynette, how hard it must be. And how hard to deal with our DH sorrow too.

    Remember girl, there are many many of us keeping you, Kobus and Bianca in our prayers (as we do for your sons and DIL too).

    And then, if you are like me, you will spend the whole day tomorrow wondering if maybe, she will come back as it is her 21st.

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  3. it's awesome that you're working on a mini for Bianca to celebrate her milestone birthday, Lynette - I dunno whether it's a good idea at all - but if you wanna post a coupla of pics of the mini on your Facebook wall?!At least we know she is active on Facebook !

    Our prayers & hearts go out to you & DH !!

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  4. Oh Lynette, i know tomorrow is going to be a difficult day. But know that she is missing you. Of course she is. She is just trying desperately to prove a point right now. At least you know that she is safe and have some knowledge of her actions - that in itself is a blessing.

    As for K - i don't know what to suggest. He is hurting too and being a man is obviously not finding it easy to express his feelings.

    Hugs and prayers, as always. xxx

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  5. Lynette, I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I am continuing to hold you all up in prayer especially tomorrow which is going to be such a rough day. Praying to that Bianca is kept safe and the Lord will soften her heart and lead her back into her family's loving arms.

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  6. Lynette you are so full of grace. Even in adversity. My heart aches for you. For you both. For you all.

    x x x

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  7. Lynette I have been back so many times to read this post and my heart goes out to you.

    I share you pain from a completely difference perspective as I am and continually am hurt by my family and it is so much harder to get over it when it is your family.

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  8. Lynnete - I know she misses you but her youth is getting in the way. I will keep you all in my prayers of surrounding comfort and for her surrounding safety. xxx amy

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  9. I am glad that you know she is active on Facebook and know that she is at least safe. It breaks my heart to hear about her birthday. I can't imagine how much this is hurting you and your family. God bless, Amy

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  10. Oh Lynette I so feel your pain and you do know someone whos child moved out of home - me, my eldest decided that life was waaaaay easier if he moved to his dad, I was devastated, it took me a year I would say before I 'forgave' myself for it happening. He was 15, I missed his matric farewell too as we moved to CT, lots of stuff, its so hard when you are cut out of their lives. She will be back, she is going to miss you too much.
    xoxo

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  11. Still sitting here with a great big ache in my heart, wanting to cry, knowing, thinking I know, what you must be going through. I can not even imagine your pain my friend, but I do know that God gives us the strength we need it. You WILL get through this and I know that Bianca WILL be back. At exactly the right time, not right now, like we are all hoping, but soon my friend. In the mean time we are all praying for her safe keeping and for you and Kobus and the rest of the family.

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  12. Lynette, I'm very happy that at least you know she is safe, Thank God, and it makes me feel better about you feeling a little better.

    I agree with Tertia, I know you will get through this and I know Bianca will. Time is always the best medicine.

    God Bless.

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  13. Lynette, words just simply don't express how much I feel for you, especially as her birthday is so close and it should be a time of joy....hold onto the thought that one day you will all be together and will have many more birthdays to celebrate, this is a season and although it may be long and bleak, you know that she is safe and the "summer" will come again and your family will once more be bathed in happiness.

    Will be thinking about you tomorrow xxx

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  14. Lynette, I am so sorry for this pain that you are feeling. Especially as it is her 21st birthday tomorrow. Baby steps, my friend - remember you are allowed to break down and cry and hide in your room when it is all too much to bear!
    ((((((HUGS))))))))))))

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  15. I just keep you in my prayers & know you will be together. Keep strong & hope tomorrow you find more joy than sorrow & your family can see you through this milestone. She will be back, you will be blessed & you will all be stronger.

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  16. I know this is a sad time for you, and leaky seams are the norm at the mo, but I just want to say to you, again, that you are a wonderful person. No, I have never met you, I only know you through your words, but there comes with that a sense of ultimate heart. And though this is a difficult time and you have a tumult of feelings and guilt, amidst all of that, know that you are doing the very best that you can do, that God is there doing the rest and what will be will be.
    I am not sure if any of that made sense, but I hope so.
    I will hold you in my thoughts tomorrow. Be strong and be weak, they are two sides of the same coin, and tears should never be stored.
    much love.

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  17. Hi Lynette, thank you for inviting me to read your special blog. Although we have never met in person, I feel I know you through both our blogs. I can't even imagine what you and your family must be going through right now. All the best on Bianca's 21st birthday. That will be a difficult day but I am sure she must be thinking of you all. Tanya xx

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  18. My heart cannot deal with this ~ I am struggling to read these entries without it tearing me apart, I have no idea how parents deal with this situation, I too have never heard of a child leaving the home and not saying where or why ~ you are so strong I think my fear of this situation makes me not understand how you are able to cope, but know from past life experiences you cope when in the situation.
    Happy 21st birthday to your daughter ~ I know you would have wanted to give her a big party to celebrate ~ take photo's of her and do the things normal 21 year olds do...
    I'm holding you all up in prayer...xx

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  19. i hope and pray for her to come back tomorrow,on her birthday and should she not,light a candle and celebrate in any case,finish the album. you have been so strong, dont give up now!
    look after yourself and your family.xxx

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  20. You have been heavily on my mind today.

    Everyone has said it all - I have no words to add, know that we all care deeply for you.

    xxxx

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  21. My heart goes out to you Lynette. Please know that you in my thoughs & prayers.

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  22. How sad it must be for you Lynette & I can't imagine the anguish you must be feeling, but I agree that knowing she is on Facebook still must indicate that she is okay which is a comfort. Teenagers/young people do the silliest things without thinking of the consequences or ramifications on others & I, like you, always blame myself & think that it all stems back to me, but we are only human & it is not our job to police everyone 24/7 so just accept that she has done this of her own accord & not due to anything you have done. She will be back.

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  23. Hi Lynette,

    You have been on my mind almost every moment this weekend.

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